


Here's to Never

by Eli0t



Series: Unofficial AO3 Circle Stories [9]
Category: Archive of Our Own, Original Work, The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004)
Genre: Covid-19 Quarantine getting to us all, Cyberpunk, moss - Freeform, tree spirit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23418922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eli0t/pseuds/Eli0t
Summary: Prompt: She had found something that would mean she'd never be poor again - but there was a catch.
Series: Unofficial AO3 Circle Stories [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650388
Collections: Unofficial AO3 Circle Stories





	Here's to Never

**Author's Note:**

> Rules for this round were: Setting - Cyberpunk Theme - Things Man-was-not-meant-to-know and PG-13 max rating

She had found something that would mean she'd never be poor again - but there was a catch. step 4: profit. But step 3? She had to grow moss on her ass. she could sell the juice. 

Haley had come across a veritable landfill of cyber-parts that she could sell into a fortune, but to do that she had to befriend the tree spirit that inhabited the gate to the place. And to do that... butt moss. She sighed - of course the old tree spirit was a pervert. 

it was amazing how the plants grew over it. it’d been a while since she saw anything green. 

It was inconvenient, to say the least, but she also never had to reach for toilet paper. which was again convenient, because everyone else was hoarding toilet paper. 

The tree spirit, who preferred to be called Tagatha the Thorny, was excited for this butt moss. 

'Tagatha, you do realize this is going to give me the worst rash ever?' Haley tried to persuade the tree. The fortune was tempting, but Haley could not imagine constantly having a moist butt. 

there was a quarantine in the year 20XX and there had to be a more conveninent way to get money. 

The tree simply crossed its branches until she sighed. "But it'll be sooooo moist" tagatha whined. 

Then again, there were some people with a moss fetish who would pay good money... Like A trillionaire named July who was really hot but more about him later. 

The tree had steampunk glasses and a computer. It was a data tree. The most attractive of all trees. 

Looking down, Haley realized with a jolt that its roots were gilded in silver and gold wires that seemed to sink into the ground around the landfill. The jolt made Haley high for a few hours. “so information flows through those wires?” haley asked speculatively after she recovered. 

"that is how wires work, yes". The tree somehow managed to smirk mysteriously and only added 'A certain type of information.' 

“so can i tap that,” she said, unaware of the implication tagatha might take that as. 

Tagatha sneezed some sap in Haleys face, and then stared with hunger at the girl. 'I'm not a maple tree, dumbass,' the tree snorted. 

"Also How dare you speak to your butt moss supplier like that?" HALEy demanded, and showed the tree her bug supply of butt moss on her ass. “no no, i might not need to grow butt moss” With a grin, Haley sank her copper heels into the wires running beneath her feet. Poor little Toby down the landfill lost his minecraft account when Haley did this. The landfill began buzzing, and Haley felt a thrill as Tagatha's detailed inventory began streaming into her console. “sweet, i can sell this” After all this time, maybe she would finally have a chance at finding her old partner with some funds. 

"Police" a guy said and flipped Haley over, "youre arrested for attacking the great spirit tree" 

“you can’t arrest me. i’ve got power!” haley yelled. 

Tagatha slapped the guy away with a rumble: 'Get away from her, she's mine!' haley rose into the air like spongebob singing the goofy goober rock at the end of the spongebob movie. The guy was a machine though. He was a cyberpirate posing as the police, and Tagatha could see right through him. 

"Arrr!" The guy said in a pirate accent, and pulled out his hook, "arr!!!" 

“great, now i can sell some info to the mysterious trillionaire named july. after that, maybe the government” Haley threw one of her heels at the ridiculous man and knocked him out cold. Then she went to find the hot july guy. July rewarded her heartily for the moss and they parted ways amicably. 

Halely was richer and happier. 

And july had his moss.


End file.
